Letting Go

“Sir.” At the hesitant voice, Bill looked up from his desk.

“Come in.” He set his pen to the side and gazed at the young man, one of the guards assigned to guard the President. “What is it?”

“The President.” He swallowed. “She’s fine, sir. I mean, I think she is.”

“You think she is?” Bill stood and leaned forward. “What do you mean you think she is?”

“We just switched off, with the Gamma team.” He shook his head. “They were supposed to be taking her back to Colonial One, but I heard her ask them to make a detour, to the starboard side, three decks down.”

“The starboard conference room?” Bill frowned. She’d been a bit quiet earlier in the day, but he’d put it down to her still being tired and run down from New Caprica, and she hadn’t had a moment to relax at all since the return, and the resulting fall out. They’d found time to speak briefly each night, but hadn’t been able to spend any time together since the first night of her return.

“Yes sir. I mean, I think so sir. It could be.” The young man swallowed. “I know she…but, I don’t think she realizes…And the gamma team is relatively new…”

“Thank you Corporal.” Bill straightened and refastened his tunic. “I believe I’ll take a walkabout that direction.”

“Thank you sir.” He relaxed slightly and nodded.

“Dismissed.” Waiting until the young man had departed, Bill glanced around his quarters and made a quick decision. He was closing the hatch behind him, a small sack slung over his shoulder as he nodded at the guards on either side of the hatch.. “I’m doing a walkabout, you’re dismissed.”

Ten minutes later he was approaching a ladder, frowning when he realized there was no one guarding the area. Climbing down it, he paused, listening to the sounds of Galactica around him, wounded and still recovering, but still alive. Much as the woman he was searching for was. Continuing to the hatch he’d shown her before she’d left for New Caprica, he opened it slowly. “Laura?”

“Just need some time.” She stood in front of the small viewport, staring out at the passing stars. “Fine.”

“No, you’re not.” He stepped inside and shut the hatch behind him. “Where’s your escort?”

“Sent them to Colonial One.” Laura took a deep breath. “I had them do a sweep to make sure the area was clear before sending them away.”

“You shouldn’t be able to intimidate them into doing that.” Stepping closer to her, he dropped the bag on one of the small couches against the wall.

“I’m the President.” One shoulder lifted and dropped. “I intimidate everyone.”

He chuckled softly. “Do you now.”

“You know what I mean.” She whispered as he stepped up behind her.

“Yes. I do.” Bill risked putting his hand on the small of her back, smiling slightly when she slowly leaned back into it. “You found your way here.”

“This is where we stared at that frakking mudball.” Laura shuddered slightly. “We stared at it and talked about what we were afraid would happen. Do you ever wonder that if we’d only talked about positive things, we could be on a porch, looking out at a lake right now?”

“Not really.” Absently, he caressed her spine with his thumb. “I’d like to think that because we talked about all that could go wrong, we were prepared for the worst.”

“Or so we thought.” Reaching out she traced an absent design on the clear surface, tilting her head as she gazed at something only she could see.

“Or so we thought.” Bill echoed softly. “You should be resting.”

“I know.” She sighed softly. “I can’t.”

“I know.” Stepping closer, he slid his hand from her back around her waist to rest on her stomach. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know, Bill.” Closing her eyes, she rested her head against his, relaxing into his warmth and feeling his breath gently brushing across her cheek. “I just don’t know what I need. I know I need the new Quorum to stop harping about what happened on New Caprica, I know I need the fleet to start feeling solidarity again, not who sided against who, or who feels guilty about…” her voice hitched for a moment before she continued, “I know, I need to stop looking over my shoulder to see if Tom Zarek is going to be supporting me or subtly undermining me, I know I need to stop having nightmares…and I know I need you.” She shuddered again as his other arm slid around her, supporting her, embracing her, but not trapping her. “I know I want to scream, to yell…to cry…and I can’t. I, just…can’t. The only thing I can do, is sit in meetings, and sign useless pieces of paper. I can’t heal our people…I can’t…” She finished hoarsely. “I’m exactly what they said I was, a useless figurehead…”

“No…” Bill nuzzled her cheek. “No, Laura, you are not now, and never have been a useless figurehead.”

“I…” Turning in his arms, she burrowed into him, sliding her hands under his arms and up his back, holding on to him as she trembled, her body physically trying to keep the words in. “I can’t focus…it looks like I am, but I feel like I’m outside myself watching sometimes…”

He gently rubbed her back. “I need to be with Laura right now, understand?” She nodded slightly. “I know you can separate yourself, your emotions, and shut off what Laura wants, and what Laura believes, in order to be President Roslin, who makes decisions for the good of the fleet, for the people, no matter how it contradicts what she wants.” At her choked breath, he closed his eyes, remembering her coming to him after the discovery of Hera…her explanation, which he had almost shut out, except for the pained anguish in her eyes, even as the President explained herself, Laura had gazed at him, pleading for forgiveness and understanding, the complicated duality confusing both of them.

“Do you understand, I need Laura. I know you can compartmentalize, but I don’t want that. I want Laura, with President Roslin in the background.” He clarified softly.

“Yes.” She suddenly pushed away from him, pulling her jacket off and throwing it across the room before returning to her spot gazing out the viewport. “Laura is…Laura doesn’t want to be here. I need to be…”

“I know.” Following her lead, he unfastened his tunic and left it on the arm of the couch before stepping back behind her. “Laura is terrified of losing the President’s control, of showing the emotion that President Roslin has eliminated from her public persona, of showing weakness to those who would challenge her leadership.”

“Yes.” She shuddered as he embraced her from behind. “I don’t know what to do, Bill.”

“You turn around.” Gently, he eased her around, her head lowered to burrow into his neck, “you hold on to me.” He felt her fingers grasp the fabric of his tanks, “and you let go.”

“Can’t.” Laura shuddered again, shaking her head in denial.

“Can.” Bill murmured. “You hold on to me, and you let go.” He repeated, rubbing her back. “You let go of everything you can’t hold on to…the fear, the confusion…the loss…of everything. Because I will always be here to hold on to you.”

“You left me.” Her voice was a broken whisper. “You left me…but you came back. I don’t have anyone else…and you came back. No one ever comes back to me. No one ever stays for me.”

“I’ll always come back for you.” He whispered softly into her hair. “I’ll always come back for Laura, whether it’s Laura, or President Roslin, or Miss Roslin, or Doctor Roslin…or Laura…” his voice trailed off as he felt her gasp for a breath. “I’ll always come back for you, and I’ll always be here for you.”

“No.” She choked out, her fingers tightening their grasp as she fought herself for control. “I know.”

“So, since I’m always going to be here to hold you, I want you to let go. Let it out, Laura.” Closing his eyes, he pressed a kiss through her hair to her temple. “Let it go…”

And she did.