Accepting the Blame

Laura Roslin, President in name only. As she moved slowly through the corridors of Galactica, Laura mused over her self appointed title silently. It was interesting, being president. Even if she hadn’t actually ever been elected to the office, only inherited it first by chance, then by design, it was something that was so deeply a part of her. She hadn’t been unaware of the power that went along with the title. If anything, she’d been…deeply aware of the power, and the seductive aspects of having that power more than most did, although she truly believed that she, unlike the two men she’d inherited the titles from, had placed her own desires and individuality aside in the interest of living for the people, but again, that was her belief, she was sure both Gaius and Richard would have believed differently. She’d had the power to change lives, to oversee, to lead, to adhere to one’s beliefs even against the tide of popularity…And along with the power came the responsibility…Lee had been aware of it from an onlookers viewpoint, and thought he understood, but had so much more to learn. If only there was time. More time to live. Less time wasted.

But where was the fine line between time wasted and time well spent…what was the cost…when she looked in the mirror, she didn’t recognize the woman who gazed back at her anymore. It was more than the harsh wig…or the bald scalp…the deepening lines around her mouth and eyes…the bones and cartilage of her cheeks and collarbone becoming more prominent as her flesh melted away…the loss of Laura, the exposure of a dying President. She’d taken some days to find Laura, to find the Laura that she deserved to be, or thought she deserved to be, or hoped she deserved to be. Who she’d become for the all too brief hours she was exposed as a woman in Bill’s quarters. Until she wasn’t.

And then he’d taken her out of his quarters and into his arms…their parting exposed to his son and trusted friends…she’d been expecting…she wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but the raw exposed emotion between them in the open bay hadn’t been it. She’d been prepared with the formal words, her heart in her eyes as she gazed at him until he’d set his guns aside and strode toward her, the breath leaving her lungs as he grasped her side, leaving her to gasp as she clutched at him, the formal words escaping her memory as her heart led her words, both of them ignoring the audience surrounding them. Laura smiled slightly as a tear trickled down her cheek, remembering the previous night when they’d just held each other for the few hours of rest they’d grabbed on his rack, neither one having the strength to undress more than kicking off their shoes and pulling her wig off before collapsing into each others arms.

In the morning that had come all too soon, only a few brief hours after they’d closed their eyes, the continuing of the recovery, of the reckoning of the previous weeks, still exhausted, they’d stumbled over each other, helping the other prepare for the coming day…him to continue evaluating the Galactica and dealing with its crew, she to return to the threads of her government to attempt to piece it together, with just herself and Lee…and then she’d started coughing. Bill had practically levitated to her side as she doubled over, their eyes meeting as she caught her breath, both of them remembering the first time he’d held her as she coughed, her body rapidly weakening as dealing with the Pegasus and then-Admiral Cain had sapped her strength. He’d held her, supporting her as she’d moved to his desk, sipping the water he’d brought her…both of them not relenting in their support of the other, until it was time to leave their home and face the fleet minutes later.

As she neared the familiar area leading toward the Memorial Corridor, she nodded at her Marine escort. “Gentlemen, if I could have a few minutes?” At their exchanged glance, she smiled sadly and held up the small packet she held. “I promise, I’m not running anywhere, I just have some more pictures I need to add.”

“Of course, Madame President.” One of them nodded slightly. “We’ll wait here, please just call us if you need anything.”

“I will. Thank you.” Taking a deep breath, she moved forward into the corridor, absently noting the presence of a few other people. Some kneeling before candles, others doing what she was here to do, and adding pictures of people recently lost. Pausing, she reached out and traced Billy’s face, her fingers trembling slightly as a tear ran down her cheek. “Oh, Billy.” Her voice was a faint whisper. Her dear Billy. He’d been her conscience, his innocence and belief…would she have crumbled the way she had if he’d still been at her side? Would she have even reached the state she had if he’d still been with her? How much of what she’d become politically…and even as a human had been guided by Tory and her strong will, her unwavering belief at first, unwilling to question any of Laura’s decisions, the façade eventually crumbling into confusion, until her revelation of being one of the Final Five made her behavior of the recent months make sense. And after that, she’d seemed more comfortable on the Basestar…practically throwing Laura’s medicine at her before completing her defection to the Cylons…something the others hadn’t. And in the recent mutiny, she’d seemed more antagonistic towards Laura than some of the other Cylons had.

“I miss you.” Her lips twitched slightly. “My dear, dear, Billy…” However, he’d had such a difficult time the first time she’d gone through the cancer, this second time, well, she was glad he wasn’t here this time. So much had changed. With a final touch, she closed her eyes in a brief prayer, before moving to her right.

Looking down at the pictures she held, she carefully pinned them up. She’d tried to find the best picture possible of each of the Quorum members, memories crashing through her as she’d gone through old press packets, pictures various press members had dropped off with her staff at some point and had been filed away in storage, and just random shots that had appeared from she didn’t know where. The members of the Quorum had been the bane of her existence at times, and she’d spent so much time arguing with them, trying to make them see…to make them believe that it was so much more than their individual colonies, or ships…that it was a fleet. And that they were all that was left. They’d all seen her white board, seen her update it…knew what it meant, but very few of them truly understood what those stark numbers stood for. The difference between survival and extinction. And she’d fought for all of them. Until she hadn’t. And then fought again, desperately.

“I’m so sorry…” Touching the faces, she bit her lip. She truly believed she’d fought for the totality of the Fleet, that what she believed to be the best, was truly for all of them. She was Caprican, true, but after all that they had all been through she didn’t know who she was, one of the humans with the fleet…And then when they’d landed, and all that she’d fought for, believed in…was a desolate radioactive wasteland….she’d felt her insides crumble.

All that she’d fought so passionately for, believed in, blown away in an ashy, frigid wind. All that she’d fought to have them believe in, burned away centuries before. She should have stood with Bill, convinced them that although Earth wasn’t a viable option, they would find something, somewhere…but she had nothing left. She’d held on as long as she could…sacrificed the last months of relative health and energy to convincing them to believe. And now…what did she believe in…

Glancing around, she found a candle stub and lit it. “Hear my prayer.” Her lips moved soundlessly as she prayed to the gods she’d so recently questioned and almost denied for the safety and peace of the ones who’d given their lives…lightly she touched the tape in her pocket. She’d listened to the recording of the last meeting…of Tom’s voice, condemning her and persuading them…and Cantrell, dear, dear Cantrell…firmly reminding him of his Vice Presidency, and excusing him from the meeting, effectively signing their death warrants. And a brief minute later, startled cries, followed by rapid gunfire…thank the Gods that Lee hadn’t been there…and then the silence. The deadly silence, broken only by a single comment from one of the gunmen, unaware that the recorder was activated, “Just as he ordered, should make the new President a happy man. No one to answer to.” And then the silence again.

And it was her fault. Not totally her fault, but a great deal her fault. She’d crumbled. Stumbled. But, she was only human, something she was fully aware of now. Not one of the final five, but a fully human, dying of cancer, woman. But, that still didn’t excuse her from leaving the way open for the mutiny and the resulting slaughter of the government. She’d taken the unpopular stand at times, believing that in the big picture, the long run…and for all her people, it would be paid off in the end result. And when it didn’t…she shouldn’t have crumbled. But she’d had nothing left. These deaths were on her hands, as were others…starting as far back as the original attack…sinking to her knees, she choked back a sob, her hands covering her face.

She’d left her people. It didn’t matter that she and Bill had gotten them as far as they had, and kept as many alive as they had. In the end, before she’d died, she’d left them. And they’d died. They deserved better than a dying woman who didn’t have what was needed to keep them surviving. She deserved…to die in peace. Knowing that her people would continue. That Bill would have a purpose to continue when she left him. It would be a mistake, that was what had kept them apart for so long…and then forced them to hide their growing relationship, although, his leaving the fleet to find her in the Basestar was a fairly obvious step, on top of the nights she’d spent in his quarters following or preceding her dixloxin treatments…but spending time on Galactica was different from it being public knowledge elsewhere. And it had helped them both.

Her refusing the treatments was hurting Bill, she knew it. And that was actually more painful to her than any of the cancerous growths in her breast. But…she was going to die. She knew it. She didn’t want to accept it, but she had. And she didn’t want his only memories of her to be at her bedside, her body wasting away in front of his eyes, or in his quarters, as he held her while she threw up from the toxins in her body. If Earth had only…they could have had a cabin…their cabin…if only for a short time they would have had that, but now they wouldn’t. So, the memories they’d made in his quarters would…have to.

She should have stopped the treatments earlier. But, it was as if the desolation of Earth, and the destruction of her beliefs had freed her. She needed the freedom, she’d earned it godsdamit, but her timing was the worst…after stopping and starting to live for herself and Bill for just the short time…she’d heard the reports on the wireless…heard what Bill was saying about the conditions of both the military and civilian ships in the fleet, but had believed that the people would just give her the time…give them the time to recoup, to believe in her as she’d believed in them…but a small part of her…had realized, somehow, that they wouldn’t. But, she’d expected some sort of political action, not the blood thirsty mutiny that had occurred. But then again, Felix Gaeta…who would have thought…

Carefully, she climbed to her feet, lighting another candle before turning and moving back toward her escort, nodding slightly at others gathered to remember or add their own pictures. By the time she’d joined the escort, her eyes were filled with tears, one finally brimming over and running unnoticed down her cheek.

“Ma’am?” When she remained staring at the wall, one of the escorts touched her arm.

“Yes?” Recovering slightly, she wiped her cheek and glanced at him. “Oh. Um…the Admiral’s quarters.”

“Yes, ma’am.” With a nod, he fell back as the other escort led her down the corridor. Minutes later, she was slowly going down the few steps to the hatch.

“I’ll…” Her eyes flicked back and forth between her escort and the Marine guards at the door. “I don’t really know the protocol as it stands now…I’ll be remaining the night…so,” her voice trailed off. With the new escorts she wasn’t really sure how to address the situation.

“Yes, Ma’am.” One of the guards stationed at the door nodded. “Two of us will remain here, the others will take up station along the corridor. We’ll rotate as needed.”

“Thank you.” As he spun the wheel to open the hatch, Laura looked up at him. “The Admiral?” He shook his head in response. “Thank you.”

Stepping through the hatch, she took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the low light before looking around the living area. Stepping out of her shoes, she took a few steps forward, absently taking off her jacket and draping it on a chair before stopping at a table, reaching out to touch the small bottle of pills lying on its side next to a glass bottle. Picking up the liquor bottle, she raised it up and sighed softly. “Frak.” The level was significantly lower than she remembered, but with everything…she couldn’t fault him. As a matter of fact…With a shake of her head, she poured a healthy amount into the glass he’d been using and lifted it to her lips, taking a small swallow. Carrying the glass, she crossed to the couch and sank down, staring across the room. Finally, she closed her eyes and took another sip of the drink, absently noting the sound of the hatch to the head opening and closing in the distance.

“You shouldn’t sip it.” At the rough growl, she sighed, but didn’t move. “You all right?”

“No.” Laura lifted the glass and tossed back the contents in one swallow. “Better?”

“No.” Bill picked up the bottle and moved to join her, refilling the glass before setting the bottle on the table in front of them. Sitting next to her, he eyed her profile. “You seen Cottle?”

“He’s a bit busy today.” She took a swallow. “Tomorrow. Maybe.”

“Yeah. Sam’s…not doing well.” He took the glass from her hand and drank from it.

“I know.” Opening her eyes finally, she turned her head to look at him. “I spoke with Lee…he’s going to be working with me on setting up a new Quorum. He’s going to take the lead…a new face…”

“Abdicating the throne?” He stared straight ahead. “Sorry.”

“No. You’re not.” She shook her head slowly. “I wanted…it’s well, not the way we wanted, is it.”

”No.” Reaching out for her, he slid his arm around her shoulder and pulled her toward him, “Blood on our hands.”

“I just didn’t…we didn’t…I didn’t realize what you and Lee were telling me.” With a choked sob, she rested her cheek on his shoulder. “I should have…it was too late.”

“It’s been too late for months. Living on ships with limited resources…people forgot the fear of New Caprica, or never understood what it truly was. Replaced it with other fears.” He drained the glass and held in front of his lap. “Too many changes, too many prejudices…even if we think, believe we aren’t…we are.” She lifted her head slightly and frowned. “Choices we ask others to make, are we prepared to make ourselves?”

“What happened?” Concerned at his tone of voice, she sat up. “Bill?” Wordlessly, he leaned forward and filled the glass again before standing and holding a hand out to her. “Bill?” He silently led her back toward the head and lifted the glass toward the ceiling. Confused Laura glanced up at the ceiling then back at him before what she’d seen registered. Turning, she stared up at the gash in the wall, following it with her eyes. “Oh my gods…” The soft gasp escaped her lips.

“Not just here. The whole ship is riddled with gashes, tears, fractures…” He took a drink then handed her the glass as she finished it.

“What are we going to do?” Reaching up, she traced the rip lightly, feeling the jagged edges. “Bill…”

”The Chief…” He began, staring at the rip. “The Chief said that on the basestar…there’s a resin.”

“Cylon technology?” She blinked. “Here? On Galactica?”

“Yeah.” He let out a soft snort. “You know, I had no problem with telling the captains they were going to allow Cylon technology on their ships, but when it came to allowing something on Galactica, it was a completely different story.”

“Always is.” Laura turned to face him. “And I’m guessing Chief is now Tyrol again? And he told you about this resin?”

“Yeah. Said it’s some sort of organic compound, would bind the cracks and fractures. Would grow into them.” His eyes moved back to the fracture over her head. “Heal her.”

Laura gazed at him for a long moment. “Heal her?”

“Galactica.” Realizing what he’d said, he lowered his eyes to meet hers. “Gods, Laura…”

She shook her head. “I know.” Turning on her heel, she returned to the living area as he followed.

“Laura…” Frak. He watched her slosh more alcohol into the glass and take a swallow, her other hand held out in his direction, indicating she didn’t want him near her. “Laura…”

“Just give me a minute, Admiral.” At the use of his title, he winced but remained where he was as she finished the drink. “I should go back to Colonial One.”

“You’re not going to sleep there, all the residents have been evacuated while it’s cleaned…” As she crossed the room toward her shoes, his voice trailed off. “Laura. Please.”

At the broken tone in his voice she stopped, staring at the picture of the two of them that was hanging on his wall. She knew he wanted her well, frak it all she wanted to be as well and healthy as she’d been in that picture, and able to look forward to spending whatever time they had left in his arms, in his life. But she wasn’t, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she even had. And she knew that her cancer was killing a piece of him as sure as it was destroying her, cell by cell. And if she ran off to Colonial One the moment they hurt each others feelings…that was a few hours they could have had together that they didn’t, all because of her stubborn erratic emotions…

“I’m sorry.” Bill had silently crossed to stand behind her, sliding his arms around her waist and waiting until she leaned back against him. “I didn’t…”

“I know.” Turning her head slightly, she closed her eyes as his lips brushed hers. “Bill…” They remained still for several minutes before Laura turned in his embrace, nestling into his neck. “So what did you decide?”

“I told him to save our…Galactica.” He pressed a kiss against the side of her head. “You eat?”

“Not hungry.” She sighed softly. “Dammit Bill. The entire Quorum…the Galactica…half your Marines…what happened?”

“Life.” Lifting his hand, he traced her cheek. “We looked away for a short time and it overwhelmed us.”

“I just wanted…I’d let everyone down…it wasn’t…and it was all that I had promised…” Her voice choked off in a sob. “I didn’t have anything left…I just wanted…”

“Shh.” His own misery receded as she crumbled in his arms, her fragile body sagging against his. “Laura, we don’t know if it would have happened with our attention or without. Zarek was just waiting for a chance. He took the opportunity. If it hadn’t been now, it would have been later.”

“So much blood.” As he sank down on the couch, cradling her in his arms, Laura shook her head. “Gods, Bill, it was all over the table…the chairs…the walls…it’s all over Galactica…So much…all on my hands…”

“Our hands.” Clasping her hands in his, he tightened his arms around her. “Laura, you are not alone in this. This was not something you saw or read or interpreted in the scriptures. You are not the reason the Quorum was killed. You’ve saved so many more than may have died…”

“The first day…” She whispered, “when the Cylons first attacked. Before we found Galactica. Lee saved us, with the coils, I’m not sure how. The next time they found us, we had to jump. I had to leave so many souls behind…the children, the people….the voices, I could hear them on the com system, begging us, cursing us for leaving them behind. Weeks later, the Astral Queen…and so many…”

“The thousands you’ve saved.” He closed his eyes, pressing a gentle kiss against her temple. “Laura, you guided us with your heart. With your soul. You gave everything you had within you and then you gave more. If anything, I should have anticipated what was happening on my own ship…with Gaeta. Listened more to what Saul was telling me…” his voice trailed off as he fell silent, rocking back and forth gently with her in his arms. Finally he broke the silence. “Laura, we’re only human. We forgot that. The fleet forgot that because we let them. And then when everything we’d fought for…in the end, you were right, all those years ago. They never will forgive me. Even if it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t what I’d promised.”

“What we promised.” Laura lifted her head and gazed at him, tears streaking down her cheeks. “Gods Bill, we are a frakked up pair, aren’t we.”

“Yeah.” He chuckled bitterly, reaching up to take his glasses off and toss them onto the table next to the couch, removing hers a moment later and setting them next to his. “We are.”

“So, what now?” Slowly uncurling herself from his lap, Laura stood, carefully finding her balance, her equilibrium shaken from the alcohol, lack of sleep and food, and gods knew what else.

“Now.” Bill gazed up at her, their eyes meeting levelly in the dim light of the lamp. “We get sleep. If we can hold off another emergency for a few hours.”

She shook her head and turned away. “Like that’s going to happen.” Picking up the glass they’d been sharing, she eyed it for a moment before returning it to the tray next to the bottle of alcohol. “You coming?”

“Be there in a minute. I want to check on Sam, and CIC.” He watched as she continued back to the sleeping area, listening at the newly familiar sounds of her preparing for bed. Standing he moved toward the desk and picked up the handset as the sound of water running in the head started.

By the time he’d moved toward the head, she was on her way out, head bare as she padded toward the rack in one of his tanks and a pair of his socks, pausing only to put her small bag of toiletries back on the shelf she kept it on. “You going to be warm enough?” He watched her settle carefully on the edge of the rack and start to pull the covers down.

“You are joining me, aren’t you?” Laura half turned, watching for his reply, her eyes dark and wounded in the light of the oil lamp he’d lit next to the bed.

“Yeah.” He nodded shortly. “Sam’s…not doing well, Kara’s with him. Saul’s taking watch. Helo’s doing better, Athena left to take care of Hera, she wouldn’t have left his side otherwise.” He tossed his tunic in the laundry bag and bent to unlace his boots as she slid under the covers. “Chief’s starting the resin in a few hours.”

“Good.” Laura settled into the pillows and closed her eyes wearily. “Gods Bill, what are we going to do.”

He set his boots into the locker and quickly stripped his pants off. “We’re going to do what we have to do. Keep going hour by hour. Doing what we can to survive.” Moving into the head, he turned the water on, splashing it on his face.

As she waited, Laura eyed the ceiling and walls she could see from the rack, looking for more open gashes until he shut off the water and light, leaving the lamp the only illumination in the room. “So, surviving?”

“Yeah.” Carefully, he eased in next to her, waiting to settle until she’d shifted to lie against him, his arms wrapped around her, his voice dropping to a husky rumble. “Surviving minute by minute, hour by hour…day by day, as long as we can.”

“Until we can’t.” Her voice was so soft, he almost missed it.

“Yeah.” Involuntarily, he tightened his arms around her as her hand ran up his chest, her fingers tangling in his dogtags. “Sleep Laura, while we can.”

“Hmm.” She nestled her head under his chin, her lashes brushing his neck. “Love you.”

“Love you.” He kissed her temple and closed his eyes, body still tensed and waiting for the inevitable call from CIC that the next catastrophe was requiring them, until the darkness of sleep overcame them both, the flicker of the oil lamp all that remained.